TimeLine

Female
28 years old

 

This is very difficult for me, not because I find depression to be strange and uncomfortable but because I have spent most of my life trying to avoid it. Depression is not a bad thing; I think that most people who are depressed are coming into contact with “reality” and reality itself can be quite ugly. There are nasty people, bad and sometimes horrible things that make us wonder the point – and pointlessness – of existence. It is hard to see hope and a future when there is so much negativity and destruction, both large scale and individually between people. In Australia, like many western countries, we have adopted a materialist approach that only helps us avoid the bad things going on both around us and inside; we take out a loan or are in debt and work ourselves in constant motion to simply survive but we lose ourselves in the process.

 

My problem with depression has not necessarily been about my experiences. While I did have a dysfunctional family with parents that had culturally adopted methods of psychological manipulation, I never really experienced major forms of abuse apart from some violence mainly from my siblings. But, it does not mean that I should somehow feel guilty being depressed simply because my problems were not as bad as other people. With me, I was a very intelligent young person without the knowledge to understand why things were bad or why I was sad or angry and I did not have supportive adults to help me understand. I remember as a teenager, my hope was to be taken away by a “wise teacher” who would teach me the ways of the world, but that was my subconscious or my imagination trying to tell me that I was desperate to learn and to be away from all the madness. It was my intelligence and my independent thinking that led to many of my problems during my youth, including eventually my current estrangement with my family – my parents and my siblings. I could never connect with them, never understand why they accepted lying or tolerated my parents’ methods of psychological coercion (my parents controlled us emotionally by making us feel guilty or scared for things we never did or should be scared about). My father was violent and a very scary man and my mother has a mental illness, undiagnosed because she is a migrant with poor English and poor knowledge of accessibility to counseling (she herself thinks she is normal).

 

One thing most second-generation migrants can understand is that most of us had to live confusing lives because of our parents and many of our parents had severe issues that were left to our assumptions as being “normal” either culturally or religiously. It’s not. And it is not wrong to say that you are angry with them for being a certain way. You see, most of us take our anger and frustration at our parents and put it into ourselves as though we are so afraid to come to terms with the truth because we are so afraid of letting our parents go, together with the guilt (that they most likely inflicted) of telling them that they have problems. You don’t necessarily need to tell them anything, but come to terms with the probable fact that your parents have undiagnosed problems that have left you scarred, and it’s OK to think that.

 

My siblings themselves have adopted the attitudes of my parents, perhaps it is there way of coping with the pain. I went through years of isolation, became anti-social for a while and have now opted to live a life in strength as an independent individual. All those horrible feelings of suicide, hurt, anger and sadness was really my very poor attempt to come to terms with the fact that I was alone, that my family may exist but do not exist emotionally and that I must accept to live this life with choices and responsibilities I make for myself. Most people never go through it and I know I have a long path ahead of me still, but many choose to avoid this path and those with depression have just started their journey. It is dark, painful and very very hard, but I can assure you that when you finally come to terms with the fact that you are alone and independent and find a goal to achieve, the world suddenly becomes beautiful. Your friends, your family, your partner and children are no longer darkened by your depression.

 

Some tips. It is good to learn it will help you recover and is the greatest medicine. Learn about psychoanalysis and read up on the concluding observations of many of the greats. Read up on philosophy and on love. My absolute recommendation is The Art of Loving by Erich Fromm. Avoid temporary things or things that are somewhat “unreal” for now (like new age spirituality or other religions) as they are not only for later but they offer you something temporary. For now just learn, get your brain active with reading non-fiction. Another good thing is to write and forums are really the best place to start. Listen to both the good and bad and try to analyse your emotions in the process. Why are you getting sad? Why are you getting angry? Take yourself out of yourself to analyse yourself rationally.

 

I am 28 years old, a masters student, a human rights activist and a recovered depressed. No matter your age, get yourself out there because we need people like you in this world, people who have seen darkness and pain; only those who have seen darkness can see the light and we need more enlightened people to help change this world for the better. The more good people sit in dark corners, the more evil prevails. 

 

January 2011