Michael

Male
54 Years Old

After having years of having whatever the word is for low level/ongoing depression with the occasional descent into darkness, the wheels fell of completely late last year. I was an immobilised, death wishing, mindless wreck. I spent about a month unable to do anything except sit around, and then after beginning treatment with my psychiatrist, things started to improve. I guess by about February this year my mood had stabilised, but I still had (and still have) 'forgetful moments', some lapses of motor coordination (I prefer not to drive the car now), and still experience some down-time.

 

But I was very lucky. I had a supportive family, particularly my wife. I guess I'd be dead now if not for her. I was also able to have just under six months leave on full pay – I truly don't know what I would have done, or where I would have ended up, if that hadn't been possible. Then, when work 'let me go', I had a payout that covered another six months (thank god for getting a good lawyer to manage that for me – I would not have been able to have advocated my interests).
 

I guess that I'd worked very hard for a long time to put myself into a position where I would have some security when things went bad. And I guess working very hard for a long time was a big part of making things go bad – a Faustian deal if I've ever seen one.

I know I was lucky in the resources I had when things went bad, but obviously life for me, and those around me, would no doubt have been better if depression hadn't dogged me.

But it did, and it let me appreciate my good fortune. I was able to take some control over my illness, rather than letting it get away with controlling me.

I'm still not in remission – which is a bugger as it is coming up to a year now – but I am learning how to be a different me. Part of that 'new me' is doing something that I should have done years ago – writing.

So, I've chucked in the well paid executive gig and now earn a few shekels here and there from articles, and (if I can keep focused) I'm optimistic about a book (you will know if it succeeded by about November 2012). I've also started some 'on-line' writing adventures – maybe they'll work, maybe not, but I'm doing something I haven't done in decades – I'm enjoying myself. (But I know I do need to start making some money!)
 

My good fortune has also highlighted to me the inequitable nature of mental health treatment in Australia, everywhere. I do what I can in my small way, but the one thing I know I can do, that might count, is to say that I suffer from depression, and I'm proud of it.

I'm proud that I can exercise some control over it, rather than it running my life. I am proud, because I'm in the company of some truly outstanding people 'like me' (some famous, many not so famous, and maybe you). I'm proud because it let me see and appreciate the support and love of my wife. And I'm proud because it is a part of me.

I know that there are some huge battles ahead – relationships, finances and ego all take a battering when things like the last year happen. Yet I am optimistic that come what may, I will make it through – no doubt with a pet black dog yapping at my heels.

Michael

 

- October 2010